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The__Reflecting__God
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Name: Faye Valentine
Country: United States
State: Georgia
Metro: Atlanta
Gender: Female
Interests: (I'm just spitting these out as I think of them. There's no specific order.) Vampire Chronicles, anime/manga, singing, acting, drawing (heh, all the arts), cats, South Park, The Crow, Rocky Horror, opera, shonen-ai (I know I suck), Italian food, DDR, world domination, Shakespeare, cheezits, Marilyn Manson, HIM, hacking fanfiction, The Phantom of the Opera, Johnny Depp, plushies, sleeping, progressive metal, the occult, Law and Order: SVU, debate (-tear-), J-rock/Visual Kei, X Japan, Dir en Grey, L'arc~en~Ciel, Malice Mizer (mmm...Gackt), Plastic Tree, microwave dinners, Aveda products, Little Five Points, terorrizing teenie-goths, Charlize Theron, Les Miserables, Harry Potter (slash), French, creating awkward moments, MegaTokyo, Machall, Boy Meets Boy, Arcana, Shonen-ai Kudasai, Your Wings Are Mine, Juicyfruit, having money (which isn't often), Don's Office, ramen, free periods, Dimmu Borgir, Alice Cooper, Becoming dictator of a third-world country
Expertise: Bitching, slutting it, being an opera diva
Message: message me
AIM:  DevilsRedeemer
Yahoo:  mysteriousyoukai
Member Since:
12/22/2004
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| what's up kids? i'm not sure what kind of mood i'm in right now. pensive, perhaps introspective. sorta happy, sorta not. i just went through facebook and realized how many parties i've not been invited to and/or just missed in general. not that i'm hung up on any of that shit, but it's funny to have all that stuff laid out for you and realize how much of your life you're letting slip by you. then again, i suppose i do this to myself. i got a call from luka today, but by the time i got it, i was already having dinner with my mother and my brother (which went horribly btw) and it was way past three pm. and all i could do was sit there and go, "oh fuck it," since i knew i had missed yet another get-together. then again, maybe it'll be easier when everyone leaves me at the end of this year, if i start distancing myself now.
i'm not sure how senior year is going to unfold. honestly, i see myself getting farther and farther away from westminster. i mean sure, i have some great friends in my grade, but all-in-all, westminster doesn't hold too much for me. and i think i can't keep sitting around and wondering when i'll finally be happy there. i've got to make my own happiness, even if it means hanging out with a whole new crowd of people. expanding my horizons, as my mother likes to say. bah.
i'm sorta excited for college, because i'm so ready to get out of here. but i know i've still got another year, and i'm both grateful for and annoyed with that. i mean, i hate the fact that i have what's said to be the hardest semester at nazi school coming up (i.e. first semester senior year) and the fact that i'll be left behind when the few people i love will move on without me. but i gotta remember that they're moving on without everybody. they're all going their separate ways. i know we're not splitting up forever or anything, but i can't help feeling so final. like i have to go buy flowers or something for the funeral of my generation of don's office kids. i'm the only one left, when it comes down to it. and i hate that i have to stick that out alone. but i'm still a scared little kid inside, so maybe i'm not ready for college. i'd probably just make an ass of myself anyway, the way i'm going now.
and dude, i can't help but feel incomplete to some extent. and i'm not saying i need some sort of boyfriend or something, but it would help. i mean, cuddling is nice. kissing is nice. being told you're wonderful and needed and loved is even nicer. and i'd kill for some of that right now. but i'm also not willing to just settle and jump on whatever comes at me first, whether i feel anything for them or not. i'm not desperate. i'm just needy. i want to love someone who loves me back. i'm sick of this unrequitted love or admiring-from-afar shit. and with prom coming up and all, it would be nice to have a date, even if i had to ask him (as in a guy from a different school.) but that'll never happen in time, so i'll end up going with friends and pretend i'm having a great time. and maybe i will, despite myself. but i'll probably stay away from the couples for fear of vomiting on someone's shoes.
so here it goes again. time for fulfillment that i haven't gotten enough of lately. enough being alone. i'm sick of that shit.
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|  | You scored as Emo. Your Totaly Emo!
Emo | | 85% | Goth | | 80% | Rocker, Mosher | | 75% | Prepy | | 40% | Skater | | 40% | Trendy | | 35% | Chav, Townie, Rude Boy, Ned, Kev | | 15% |
What Group Are You? Chav, Rocker, Skater, Emo, Goth, Trendy, Prepy Ect
created with QuizFarm.com |
Stolen from Gann. >____> I answered truthfully to these things, expecting to get goth or something. Oh fuck a duck.
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| Quizzes suck. Bah.
I guess I'm branded. >__>
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| i should be working. i should have been working since two hours ago. and what's my excuse? oh that's right. don't got one.
i wonder if it's another weird masochistic thing, 'cause i'm so aware of the imminence of the deadline on my bagillion history assignments (i.e. tomorrow) and i feel this drive forward to work. but something in my head is like, "ah fuck it. not yet." and for some reason, capital letters seem like too much effort right now. jesus christ superstar. this is going to be a long night. i hope mom makes me nuclear cheese (aka velveeta) because i'm going to need the carbs to keep me rolling until my predicted "quittin time" of 3 am. ah shit happens.
got my clandestine stuff. everything fits like a dream, wearing it's like another layer of skin. and i want more, since i'm greedy like that. but we all are pretty damn greedy at the end of the day. it's funny -- the other day i was reading through some particular blogs and noting how some people are so damn honest. they keep everything real. it's like you're practically talking to them. manipulating words is my specialty, but there's a time and place for everything. i've bought a lot of clothing lately that probably sets my fashion sense back to age ten, but whatever. it feels good for now. but i think i'm starting to hate it, because i'm paying too much attention to it. maybe i am scene. who knows. whenever i start to like anything, i immediately hate it.
have you ever just like blinked and realized that everything you thought you felt was an illusion? like a dream? without even knowing why, suddenly everything changes. it's like you're someone else. you hate everyone you couldn't get enough of. you hate that when it comes down to it, you love yourself more than you'd ever admit. i've had moments like that a lot lately. and then i get really tired and have to sleep. it's like reality sucks the energy out of you, slaps you in the face, and then kisses you on the neck. you wake up and things are better, or at least you suppose they are, and then you move on like nothing happened. but in your heart you feel this inexplicable sadness -- like you've left a home you can never return to. if each disillusionment drains like a vampire, how long until you just don't have any substance left? i'd rather die in flames than live a zombie.
sometimes i wonder why i'm not doped up on all the shit a teen's allowance can buy. ahaha. when it comes down to it, i realize i miss the dreams and even the nightmares. cause in my head i can't feel so lonely. i dont really have to know that my friends don't actually "exist." well, according to everyone else. but who asked them anyway? i think i'll take a sonata tonight and dream me up some more friends. maybe even a purple one. i like purple.
this is me. this is honesty. this is what should go in a diary wedged between my matress. but somehow i've always lived my life like a tv show. so here's the pilot, i guess. or something. hope the reviews dont suck.....
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| I love how I've become Westminster's token Scene kid. This is news to me, believe me. -gasps- It'll drive everyone nuts, then, that I've bought 200 bucks worth of clothing from Pete Wentz's clothing line, Clandestine. I've already gotten about a fragillion questions about the little bat I've been drawing on my hand. And my response? Er... it was either that or a penis. And just in case I ran into Mr. Reel or something...
So yeah, how are all of you? I've got something weird going on with my stomach. Thought it was an ulcer, but I'm having symptoms that ulcers don't cause. Like... dispensing of anything I eat within a twenty minute period. (And granted, the process isn't pretty. But I won't say any more about that, since no one needs the details.) I so don't need this on top of everything else. :\ Alas, c'est la vie. That fucking sadist.
It's weird. I think I've really retracted this year. I've become rather introverted, and it's sorta just happened progressively. Maybe because I've been dealing with a lot of my own demons, and I can't even start to explain them to anyone else. (Save for the therapist I practically live with and Ms. Gibson) But I don't have a choice there. It's "talk talk talk" for three hours a day, and finally when I get home or to class or whatever, I just don't have anything to say. Nothing that's genuine Rachelstuff anyway. Although people have probably gotten sick of that shit by now. I have.
I'm not sure how I'm doing now. I'm not sure if I'm depressed or apathetic or angry or what. Or maybe I'm none of that. Maybe I'm happy in some alternate dimension, which means disconnect from everyone I know in this one. Who knows. All I know is that I spent half my weekends lurking about the mall by myself, and being completely satisfied by that. I'm seriously starting to scare myself. I've also thought about working at Hot Topic this summer if I don't work at Van Michaels, and simply for the opportunity to meet any Scene guys Atlanta has to offer. Because sure, they might be annoying and camera whorey, but they're better than the tightassed, tightminded shitholes who occupy 99% of Atlanta. I honestly feel like they're a different breed of human.
It's not about tolerance. It's not about understanding. It's about some sort of respect. Not having to justify everything to everybody. It's about a person's personal journey not having interjection by people whose opinions, in the scheme of things, mean very little.
I'm in a weird place now. Somehow I have the feeling that a 30 Seconds to Mars concert will clear my mind. And Mark Mayfield, you are one of the few people in all this shit who actually makes sense to me. And it's beautiful.
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